How I learned that sex coaching is for everyone

A guest blog by one of Ali's current clients

As a comfortable, confident man in my early thirties, I didn’t imagine a sex coach would be of much use to me.

Not that I am a lothario, by any stretch. I’ve had a fairly normal number of sexual partners for my age (I think) and enough long-term relationships to know the sight of me naked doesn’t make people run for the hills. I thought sex coaching was for people who have specific problems with their sex life that need addressing by a professional. 

Through meeting Ali Grace, I’ve learned that this is true – sex coaches do help people with specific problems and challenges. But I’ve also learned that sex coaching has something to teach everyone.

Missing out

Like most of my peers, I grew up not really talking about sex. I was born in 1984, so by the turn of the century I was a teenager with a fast enough web connection to discover everything I needed to know without chatting to my friends, parents or girlfriends about sex. Or so I thought.

Like a whole generation of men my age, I was given a pretty rubbish sex education through exposure to online pornography. Much of what I learned to find sexy or arousing during puberty and my teenage years was unrealistic, unhealthy and far-flung from the real possibilities for sex to bring pleasure, fulfilment, and satisfaction.

This definitely had an impact on my sex life as an adult. Pornography had instilled in me the idea that sex was about release and about racing towards your own personal pleasure, but that wasn’t leading to the most satisfying of experiences for me - or the people I slept with.

I didn’t know there was anything I could do about that, especially during the times in my life when sex wasn’t happening regularly. How can you improve something if it’s not available to you very often?

Taking positive action 

As it turns out, one of the very best ways to explore any aspect of your sex life is away from the pressure of being with a partner.

The experience of discussing and exploring sex in an environment where you will never be judged - and where you have nothing to prove - can be transformative. All of a sudden, nothing is a taboo subject, and anything you felt you were doomed to face alone can be shared with someone who can offer you expert guidance.

Through working with Ali, I have been able to explore my peak sexual experiences and my anxieties and I now understand them better. I have learned that there is a whole world of possibility when it comes to sex, my own body, and connections with other people. She gave me a safe space in which I could start to explore that.

Crucially, I have learned that a sex coach is not there to turn you on or provide you with pleasure. Sex coaching is not about release, and it is not about the way you feel about your sex coach – it is about the way you feel about yourself.

Cultivating confidence 

Ali is giving me the tools to become a better partner and a more confident lover. I’ve discovered that by truly understanding what turns me on, I can cultivate and hold my own arousal and become more confident in the presence of others.

I have also learned about the importance of being able to ask for what you want in the bedroom, and being able to listen and respond carefully rather than just going through the motions or being stuck in routines.

Sex can be many different things to many different people, but learning about what we truly want from sex, and what our partners want from sex, can be a liberating, life-changing process. Sex coaching can be the catalyst that opens up a world of possibility and pleasure, as well as a better understanding of who we are as people.