What to think about in Pleasure

What to think about in pleasure...don’t! 

Most of us are in our heads an have busy minds and when we take that into the bedroom it can be counterintuitive for why we’re going in there anyway.  

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Am I doing it right? Will he or she like me? Eek that’s not working. I feel fat.  If I do this will she let me do that? Am I allowed? What shall I do next? Ah he pushed me away I feel rejected? I'm confused about what to do? I'm going to come to soon/not at all. An I thing too long? Do I smell nice.  Does s/he really like this.  I don't like that but I don't know how to say without upsetting him. Am I too soft/hard? HaveI gone too far? 

These thoughts are a nightmare aren't they and not at all conducive to the relaxed easy connected pleasure that we intended and hoped for.  Don’t worry, its common and natural and you're not alone. 

So what can we do the break the anxiety of performance? What is this mysterious thing of ‘being good in bed?’

From this sexpert’s point of view, its all about your attitude when you go in there.  If you go to bed with someone with the idea of conquest or getting something or re-enacting something, you're missing the point.  The best sensual and erotic experiences are when we’re in our bodies, not our minds, when time stands still and we lose track of it.  Easier said than done you may think. 

However if you go in with the idea of creating relaxing connected pleasure in many forms you’ve got more of a chance of having a surprisingly loving, appreciative,  connected and sexy time. 

So here’s 8 tantric tips to take away starting with the end in mind and simply being where you are.

  1. Connect to your breath.  Breath is the best sex aid.  You can use it to slow down and relax or speed it up to raise your arousal.  Also notice if you hold your breath and try to breathe deeply. Share breath with your lover, shared slow sexy breathing is very erotic and connected.
  2. Connect with your own body as well as your lover’s body.  Notice the sensations all over your body, where do you enjoy being touched, how do you like being touched?  Can you sense sensations on your thighs, collar bones, hips, back of your necks. Your skin is the biggest erogenous zone and the place we can take in the most pleasure. Learn to feel more. 
  3. Mindfulness isn’t just for meditation.  Be mindful and give attention to small gestures, feel textures and enjoy scents, notice the shine in your lovers eyes and the cuteness of the freckle on his knee.  Be in wonder. 
  4. Slow down.  And slow down again.  Slow your touch and your breath. 
  5. Get more skilled at sensual touch.  Slow stroking with the palms of your hands is better than grabby mindless touch.  Slow scratching down a mans back, gentle nuzzling around a panty or bra line, gentle hair pulling, a gentle squeeze on a hip or slow finger tips on that sexy line between the bottom and backs of thighs…
  6. Learn how to gently ask for what you want and give appreciation ..please kiss my neck…mmmmm that feels good.  We all like praise, be generous with it as it guides our lovers gently and helps us relax
  7. Learn how to connect with your own sexual energy instead of focusing on someone else’s. Taking your intention to being fluid in your hips and pelvis really helps in this, a bit of slow writhing or gentle grinding can be very sensual 
  8. Eye gazing is beautiful.  Before you begin take 10 mins to sit opposite each other and look into each others eyes.  Without touching each other, simply through your eyes, connect as two humans who are going to embark on a shared intimate experience and really see each other with a loving gaze.